THE SUNDAY CORRESPONDENTS

GAY TIMES

Here’s a question – have you ever fancied a ‘famous’ singer or musician? As a male, I’m not talking your usual Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Clare Grogan, Kate Bush or whoever, I’m more interested in a queerer pitch.

What brought it to mind was an article by JC a couple of weeks back that referred in passing to Terry Hall. My heart warmed at his mention, and it got me admitting to myself that I’d really proper fancied him in my youth. I’m not sure why, as he’s perhaps not what you might call conventionally good looking, even back then. Maybe it was those puppy dog eyes, more likely it was his haircut, almost certainly it had a lot to do with his voice. I wasn’t desperate to sleep with him – there were plenty girls in my class that I would have preferred for that - but I did ‘like’ him in a way that I didn’t other musicians of the time.

For those that don’t know Terry Hall is probably best known as singer with The Specials. They were truly brilliant, and are now kinda reformed and remarketed, so there’s really no excuse for not owning all their stuff. Terence Edward Hall (born 1959, Pisces) also went on to sing with Fun Boy Three (with two ex-Specials), the Colour Field (with nobody you’ll know), Terry, Blair and Anouchka (with, ahem, Blair and Anouchka - that’s Booth, an American actress, and Groce, a jeweller), and Vegas (yawn, with ex-Eurythmic, Dave Stewart). There’s also all the solo stuff and guest appearances too many to mention, except for the one with Ian Broudie that inspired this article. The boy’s been about, as they say.

You don’t have to google that far to learn all there is to know about Messrs Hall, Golding and Staples post-Specials vehicle, Fun Boy Three. Despite six UK Top 20 hits, this only made 68 in 1982. So far as I can tell the b-side is no longer widely available. Though when you listen to it, you might think that’s not a bad thing.

mp3 : Fun Boy Three - The More I See (The Less I Believe)
mp3 : Fun Boy Three - ?

Sadly, my ‘affair’ with Terry ended when I was forced to accept that he was a regular at the red footballing outskirts of Manchester. I carried on enjoying his music in its many and varied forms, and perhaps flirted further with him now and then, but I could never again see him in that same hallowed light I did as an early-teenager.

Around the period, I was breaking up with Terry, one of my best mates was ‘coming out’ – not easy at the best of times, and where we lived, well nigh impossible. But, perhaps strangely, I don’t recall us ever comparing notes. This seemed more a topic for bedroom discussions between us ‘straights’ and I think I can safely point to one mate who fancied Joe Strummer and another Lou Reed. Though neither of them was exactly a leggy lovely and they certainly didn’t work for me.

No, I’d moved my affections to, perhaps, the antithesis of Terry Hall. I was now hankering – steady, that’s hanker with an ‘h’ – after David Sylvian, singer with (as I like to describe them) synth-punks, Japan.

Japan formed in 1974 when Sylvian (the glam version of his real name, David Alan Batt, born 1958, er….Pisces) was only 14. They comprised Mick Karn (or Anthony Michaelides), Rob Dean, Steve Jansen (actually a brother Batt) and Richard Barbieri. Their first two albums came out in 1978 and, gradually, they built a more mainstream following with albums Quiet Life (1979), Gentlemen Take Polaroids (1980) and Tin Drum (1981). Like Terry, David moved on and in with another, in this case Riuchi Sakamoto (with whom he recorded Forbidden Colours for the David Bowie starring film, Merry Christmas, Mr Lawrence). Solo, I’d recommend Brilliant Trees (1984), and then I have to admit to losing him both musically and physically.

Sharper musical minds will notice that the timescales don’t seem to match here. Worry not, while I loved Japan’s early stuff – who couldn’t crave some Adolescent Sex – it wasn’t until the early 1980s that my crush on David Sylvian really began. I’m not sure exactly when or why my feelings towards him changed and he became more than merely the singer in one of my favourite bands, though I do know it had nothing to do with that dreadful hairstyle. Suddenly he became the man I’d fancy, if I was a woman. (As you can tell, times were tough in the north of Scotland – we had little else to discuss after cod, haddock and mackerel prices.)

I’m not a huge expert on rarities but, if I’m to believe Wikipedia, then this particular version of a Marvin Gaye US hit, written by Smokey Robinson, to be found on the b-side of Nightporter, remains unreleased on cd.

mp3 : Japan – Ain’t That Peculiar

But back to me. My life was changing. I was leaving for the big city and a course in Accountancy. No, seriously. I expected cosmopolitan. I got lots of posh public school types afraid of their sexuality. Desperate not to be gay. Of course, I reacted badly. I found a large, pretty picture of an old ‘boyfriend’, Green Gartside, of Scritti Politti (at the time, non) fame, and stuck it on my wall. That was never going to ingratiate me to my fellow students. And, boy, did it not.

Some might think it was waking up to Green every day, or the sight of Morrissey’s dried stalk pinned to my wall (it was a gladiolus, flower fans), but actually it was the fact he used obsessively to listen, on constant repeat, on a record player, to Buddy Rich and Ginger Baker drum solos (not the song, just the drum parts), that I reckon resulted in one room mate ending the year being convicted for stalking a very famous, then young, English actress. The other (mmm – how could you resist a big Irishman with a moustache) Phil Lynott loving room mate and I almost ended the year being convicted for his murder. On a brighter note, the Uni also chucked me out of Accountancy.

I mentioned Morrissey back there. I’ve never discussed with JC how far his relationship with Steven Patrick went. He may reveal that now, who knows. For the record, Mozza never made my personal fancy list. I loved the band, the music, the image and the man himself, but I never fancied him.

Having said that, The Smiths did seem to coincide with a dampening in my ardour for male pop stars. Musically, I had no-one special in my life for years. Maybe I got too close to the reality for a while. Maybe it was the tales of Julian Cope from a girlfriend who had previously gone out with Fish. Maybe it was another girlfriend disappearing off to spend the night in a sleeping bag with one of That Petrol Emotion. Maybe it was me finding out that sleeping with the girlfriend of the loud, pretentious and self-obsessed pretty boy lead singer of a well known local band was better fun. Maybe musos were particularly ugly for a few years. Maybe Madonna filled both roles.

Whatever, no-one male singer has really grabbed my fancy in the same way since.

But, over the years, from time to time there’s still been a tingle here and there. Though none quite like the early days when “my cement was wet”. Roddy Frame (born 1964, not that far from Pisces) has always been a bit special and, unlike me, has improved with age so count him in. More controversially for this column, I do also have a thing for Mark Anthony Patrick Owen, small, smiley-faced, cheeky chappy Take That-ter, born 1972 but only two days further away from Pisces than Roddy.

Pisces again? Why does it always come back to fish??

mp3 : Lazyboy (feat Roddy Frame) – Western Skies

Hmm, I’ve gone too far, I can see JC beginning to stir - at this point, I should probably quit.

mp3 : The Lemonheads – Big Gay Heart (Demo)

And finally, the BBC Governors are killing music. If like me, you want to save 6 Music………

Petition here -

http://www.petition.fm/petitions/6musicasiannet/1000/

And add your views to the consultation here –

https://consultations.external.bbc.co.uk/departments/bbc/bbc-strategy-review/consultation/consult_view

Email via here -

http://www.38degrees.org.uk/page/speakout/BBCcutsSO?js=true

Jacques The Kipper, Sunday 21 March 2010